Sometimes, there are just days in which all of the challenges in life seem to be overpowering. Sometimes there are days while dealing with all of the challenges I forget where my focus should be. Sometimes there are days where I just want to give in, days when my body says “that’s it, I quit” and where my mind is too weary to think clearly.
I am sad to admit that today has been one of those days.
In the past, if I had given in to my weariness, I would have spent the evening or day beating myself up about how horrible I had been. While I am not proud of the fact that I gave in to myself and what my body was telling me, I am beginning to accept myself as being HUMAN more and more. I am realizing that as long as I am not living in that depressive state of never leaving my bed or the couch for days at a time, and while I am making improvements in my life daily, that I am NOT superwoman. (As much as we mothers tend to try to make ourselves so.)
Sometimes it IS in my best interest and the interest of my family if I listen to my body and the weariness of my mind and rest.
Over the last few months, I have been learning a few things; things that I desperately CLING to on certain days, even if it seems to be by the last thread.
- 1. Just because I can’t do EVERYTHING, even if I try, does NOT mean I am a failure or a loser, I am human!
- 2. Sometimes I have to work hard to just accept that it’s not possible to do everything and sometimes it’s best not to try to do it all for the sake of others.
*I tend to (when I am focused on getting EVERYTHING done that needs to be done) forget to focus on the personal needs of my family because I’m so into doing stuff that I end up walking over everyone’s feelings.
- 3. I’m learning to try to focus on the things that will have an eternal impact and bring closeness and joy to my family, but I admit, I’m still not very good at it. It’s something that I still need to pray a lot about.
- 4. Probably the hardest one of all is that as much as I want to change and control my family and create what my image of the perfect family is, I can only change myself and my own reactions.
- 5. Last and not least, I HAVE to take care of myself. I am beginning to understand that this fact is NOT selfish.
I used to think that by having needs of my own meant I was being selfish. But what I am finding is that NOT taking care of myself is selfish because then I am unable to be there and care for my family because then I am frustrated and angry and overly emotional. ‘
When I take time to take care of myself, exercise, eat right, take vitamins, shower, try to look nice, REST when needed, and most importantly pray and spend time with God, I am not being selfish because I am putting myself in a mindset, physically and mentally where I am more patient, feel better, and can deal with situations in a better manner than I would if I didn’t take the time to care for myself.
I’m sure many of you reading this have probably heard it all before. But my intent is not to preach or teach anything. I’m just writing what I learn and how it affects my life, mostly as a reminder to myself that I am learning and I am changing. Once again though, I will be the first to admit that even with everything I learn and am learning, I don’t always adhere to it. Sometimes I still tend to forget all of the above. Sometimes I tend to let life get the best of me.
But…I am also learning that every morning is brand new! It’s fresh, like a blank sheet of paper. There is nothing written on it yet and I can choose to continue my bad day or I can look forward to the next day knowing I can start over.
My challenges lately are trying me a little more than they have for the past few months. Yesterday the brakes went out on our car. Yesterday my kitchen sink started to leak all over the floor. Yesterday I was exhausted from getting very little sleep due to dealing with a sick child and a sick husband. (My child was vomiting all night and my husband was snoring more loudly than normal due to congestion.) Yesterday I made the decision that since my husband was home in the morning and I wouldn’t be driving the car that I would exercise double the amount of time I normally would. A decision I now regret, since I did it on a day that I had maybe 2 hours of sleep if even that!
You see, my focus was off. I got more focused on losing weight and doing that, than keeping my focus on God and being balanced. Because of that decision, my body decided enough was enough!
My weariness is also coming from challenges with my children. My oldest two children are boys and both of them are diagnosed with ADHD. One of them is also diagnosed with depressive disorder, and the other one of them is diagnosed with ODD. For anyone who does not know what ODD is here is the definition:
“ODD is a behavior disorder, usually diagnosed in childhood, that is characterized by uncooperative, defiant, negativistic, irritable, and annoying behaviors toward parents, peers, teachers, and other authority figures. Children and adolescents with ODD are more distressing or troubling to others than they are distressed or troubled themselves.”
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Symptoms of ODD may include:
- Having frequent temper tantrums
- Arguing a lot with adults
- Refusing to do what an adult asks
- Always questioning rules and refusing to follow rules
- Doing things to annoy or upset others, including adults
- Blaming others for the child’s own misbehaviors or mistakes
- Being easily annoyed by others
- Often having an angry attitude
- Speaking harshly or unkindly
- Seeking revenge or being vindictive
This is what I deal with on a day to day basis, but add ADHD into the mix and another child with ADHD and depressive disorder and sometimes the challenges of my life are more than I can handle.
The one is constantly annoying and picking on the other and the other responds with name calling, hitting, yelling screaming, then all-out war follows with pounding on walls, knocking down chairs, throwing stuff etc. I am not saying that it’s always that bad, but sometimes it is much worse. And there is still some question as to whether or not my ODD child has bipolar disorder also.
Being honest about disorders like this is hard sometimes because just like depression, there is a lot of misunderstanding. You hear a lot of talk about parenting and while I admit I have made HUGE mistakes in that area, it’s not all about parenting. Even with the improvements I have made in my parenting, even with the change in attitude in myself and praying and asking for more wisdom and strength and compassion, which the Lord has answered and given me in spades, it is still a daily struggle. We tend to go through mood swings quite frequently.
In the past couple of weeks alone I have dealt with having my child put in ISS, (requesting it myself due to an agreement I had with teachers/my child and the principal) shoplifting, lying, missing curfew, fighting, name-calling, misbehavior on the bus, refusal to take medication, temper tantrums with chairs being knocked over, beating on walls, and constant bossiness and subsequent fighting.
Why is it so hard? Because with these disorders you can look at your child and see a perfectly normal healthy looking child. They have days in which they are so loving and affectionate and caring. You hear and see them go above and beyond in some things and you forget.
Then their mood swings or you forget meds for a day and behaviors change, yet you still forget. At least I do.
I forget that with ADHD there isn’t a filter on what comes out of their mouths all of the time and if there is, it’s because they have to work extremely hard to control what they say. I tend to forget that as my son’s main authority figure we are going to go head to head more often than is normal.
I am learning to quickly remove myself from the situation because anything else causes further argument but sometimes I even forget to do that.
Praise God that I have so much more control over my own temper, even though I am not perfect, I am much improved and that helps a lot!
I look at my children and they are so smart and have so much potential that sometimes it’s hard to remember and accept the fact that this will be lifelong for them, for us. I tend to forget this and admit that sometimes I resent that I have to work doubly hard and will for a long time. But they’re my kids and I love them!! They take a piece of me with them every time they leave. And I believe it’s my job to raise Godly, responsible adults no matter what problems they have.
How do I know that my kids have not been misdiagnosed? How can I go along with all the meds and therapies and groups?
When our boys were little, everywhere we went we were complimented on how well-mannered and well-behaved they were. From the time they were old enough to understand my husband and I worked on manners and respect and what we expected of them. We didn’t have any problems.
Once they entered school they couldn’t sit still, stay in their chairs, they were jittery and nervous. They threw objects, were physically aggressive and behaved in ways that we had never seen before so we knew there were problems.
The other thing is, there is a history of mental illness in my family, not to mention my own depressive disorder and on my husband’s side, there is ADHD. We have tried alternatives, like diet and some homeopathic remedies, but their behavior just got worse.
They only started getting better once we got them into a program that worked with their social skills, behavior, self-control and got them on medications. Granted it took some trial and error, but when a medication works, it WORKS. And when it doesn’t, it really doesn’t.
We have been fortunate to have had everything more or less under control for about a year now. But we are in a touchy phase. And I admit the stress has gotten to me the last couple of days. But I am learning to be grateful for it all…because it forces me to rely on God.
It forces me to remember where my focus really needs to be at ALL times, because since I am human and as much as I am learning and as much as I am falling in love with God, I still tend to have days where I forget to focus on Him and the consequences are not pretty.
These issues remind me that He is the only way I can live this life because I have seen the proof, I have seen the answers to prayer, I have seen how when I am covering them in prayer daily how their behavior issues are so much less! I have lived in darkness and I know that on my own I am powerless to fight the battle.
I may have bad days, but I have peace in my heart that has never been there before. I have joy that is rooted deep within me that I never knew. I may find myself going down or getting depressed but I am never in darkness anymore and I am never alone.
I am accepting the fact that I may make mistakes and have faults, but those mistakes and faults don’t define me.
Who I am in Christ Jesus defines me.
And that gives me hope.
When you live a life in darkness and believe all of the lies that depression feeds you, there is no hope.
But when you choose to live a life in Christ and believe His words are your truth, then there is hope.
I know this because I have lived it. I continue to live it every day. Sometimes it’s a minute by minute process. But it’s my life and I don’t want to ever look back. With the hope, peace, and joy that I have found, I hope to help my children.
I can not make their decisions for them, but I can love them, change myself, pray for them and trust in God to help them. As my faith deepens and my trust and love for Him grows, I can and will entrust them more and more to Him. I can rely on Him for strength and wisdom, courage and compassion and know that He will answer me…because He already has.
Psalms 62:5 NIV
Yes, my soul, find rest in God:
My hope comes from Him.
Colossians 1:13 NIV
For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves,
A Simple View 